Surreal Humor Comics

April 14, 2016 — Image — Leave a comment

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Surreal Humor Limericks

April 14, 2016 — Leave a comment

There was a man who ate so narrow

He used his living wheelbarrow

To push his car up the hill

And go to the town mill

He stole a plane to see the pharaoh

Caroline’s favorite peach was square

My father has a scary chair

He made a shaving cream

And made a funny meme

My dog’s name is Carl John Cloverbear

I never resided in Scott’s yard

I look like a tub of lard

I catapulted a lamb

And I ate his fam

And became a fat Roman Guard

Have you ever seen a toothless worm?

I sat on a pie that was very firm

My dinosaur has Measles

And his friends are weasels

This world has so many scary germs

I once ran a restaurant for cats

And they had their little chats

I ran in a fish race

And transported to space

And became one of the democrats

Surreal Humor Memes

April 13, 2016 — Gallery — Leave a comment

Farce Short Story

April 5, 2016 — Leave a comment

There once was a girl named Becky Elizabeth Ashley. Becky was the captain of the cheer leading squad. Becky had been a cheerleader ever since she could remember. She only recently became the captain of the varsity cheer leading squad. She was not going to let anyone mess up her senior year, nobody. Becky knew that her senior year was going to be amazing, especially because of cheer leading. The only problem, that Becky could see, is that the new male cheer leader, Tim John Smith, was entirely inexperienced in cheer leading. She was hoping that he would eventually realize that he was terrible at cheer leading and would quit all together. They had had 2 practices already and Tim was just not picking up on things at the pace he should. It would be nice to have a male cheerleader because of stunts, but if he could not even do the stunts, let alone the dances, cheers, and jumps, there was no way he was going to stay. No one wants to humiliate themselves that much.

Becky was starting to get worried when Tim John Smith had not quit by the fifth practice.

“What if he decides to stay and makes the squad look horrible? The squad is only as good as its worst cheer leader. This is not good news,” Becky thought. She knew how to get Tim off of the squad. The burden that is Tim, but it wouldn’t be easy. Becky thought about her options and decided she needed to kill Tim. Just kicking him off of the squad would not be enough. He could come back and Becky did not want that. She thought of all of the ways she could kill Tim, but one stood out in her mind. Becky knew what she had to do. She would take Tim on a cave exploration trip and leave him there to die. There was only one small problem: there were no caves within one-hundred and fifty miles of their school. Becky knew she would just have to make an extra long trip. She would invite Tim and make him think she was going to hand the captain spot over to him, because Tim honestly thinks he is that good. ( It gets on my nerves so much when he tries to brag about dancing for six months and then getting kicked out because he was incompetent. He thinks they were jealous of his dancing skills, but I talked to his former dance instructors and they said he was the worst dancer they had ever had at their studio.)

¶¶¶

“I hate my life,” Becky thought as she wandered through the cave. Tim just would not stop talking. She was almost to the point where Tim would get lost. Becky made Tim leave his cell phone in the car because she told him that the cave would collapse if the phone’s signal were to go inside of the cave and the stupid idiot believed her! Becky tied a piece of string to the car door handle and then carried the spool with her throughout the cave so she could find her way back.

“It’s time to ditch him,” she thought. “Tim,” she said, “ I’m going to go take a pee. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay Beck!” Josh shouted, hurting Becky’s ears. It took everything she had not to just kill him right now. Becky walked around the corner and out of sight of Tim. She retraced her steps back to the car. “I’ve done it!” she thought. Becky drove back, just in time for cheer practice, and no one ever saw Tim again until he won the presidential election just 8 months later.

Farce Diary Entry

April 5, 2016 — Leave a comment

August, 22

Dear Diary,

I have decided to join the cheerleading squad. When I made the team, they only had 5 girls on the squad. My coach told me that I was the best cheerleader out there when I started to cry because I didn’t make the team. I think she got my name mixed up with someone else’s. Tim sounds a lot like Becky, so I would just assume that she got my name and the head cheerleader’s name flip-flopped. I am really looking forward to showing everyone my skills. Although I’ve never cheered before, I think I have just about all of the skills down pat. After all, we have had 2 practices so far. My coach said “Tim, you’re going to stand in the back of the formation,” but that’s probably just because they want to be able to see my face really well. I am the tallest one on the squad which leads me to believe that when we start building, I’ll be the flyer. Everyone knows that the tallest member of the squad flies. It makes the build so much taller having the flyer be tall, than having tall bases and a short flyer. I know that when they see how good I am at being a flyer, they will kick all of the other flyers to the curb when it comes to flying. I also have the loudest and lowest voice. My coach says that deep voices carry easier than high pitched voices, so I use my extra-deep voice. When I use my deep voice, everyone looks at me. I like that. My coach is worried about finding a uniform to fit, but she obviously doesn’t know that I w ear skirts every weekend. I think I will tell her that I am fine with wearing the skirt and tank top that the other girls wear. I think that will take a lot of stress off of her shoulders. Anyone who sees me in a skirt on the weekends will likely appreciate that I am able to rock the cheerleading uniform. There is no way to even look bad in those skirts. The only problem with wearing one of those uniforms is that I need a size extra small, and I think they’re all being used by the small flyers… EW! The extra small uniforms should be reserved for me because the flyers look fat in them. If you can’t see your abs through the uniform, it’s too big. I honestly cannot wait until homecoming and courtwarming. Dancing is absolutely my passion in life. I used to dance. I was dancing for 6 months before I quit. They kept telling me I was doing things wrong, but I think that they were just scared at how well I was doing and they wanted me gone so they wouldn’t have any competition. In my opinion, there wasn’t even any competition. I was very obviously better than the rest of the dancers. Yes, they got solos at the recitals, but again, I didn’t get any solos due to jealously. Anyway, once we start the dance for homecoming and courtwarming, I think they’re going to let me make the routine because none of the other girls have any idea what-so-ever what they are doing. None of them know how to move their hips, but I do because I used to be in dance class, and I can show them how. Overall, I am so excited to cheer and dance and build with them. Teaching them all of my skills will be super duper fun.

Until Tomorrow,

Tim John Smith

Speech and Quote Parody

March 23, 2016 — Leave a comment

Gettysbeer Address

Four score and seven beers ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new alcoholic beverage conceived in drunkenness, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are cool for drinking this.

Now we are intoxicated by a great product, testing whether our nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure fleeting sobriety. We are met on a great battle-field of those who are sober and those who are drunk. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lunch to the floor and their naps to a stranger’s couch that our nation might live in total intoxication. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, passed out and puking, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, for our speech is so slurred, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who drank here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these drunken men, and hungover women, we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these drunks shall not have drank in vain — that this nation, under the influence of alcohol, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Alcohol for life #drunk #TGIF

Parody of Twilight Saga

March 22, 2016 — Leave a comment

Midday Saga

High school student Stella Lawn moves to Spokane, Washington, one of the rainiest places in the continental United States. She moved from the Sahara Desert, where it is sunny every day and quite warm, with very little rain, much unlike Spokane, Washington. When Stella Lawn got to Spokane, Washington, she fit in quite well actually, despite her inability to show any emotion besides confusion. Stella met an extremely mysterious man named Bedford Sullen. Bedford had many siblings and they were all equally as mysterious. They always skipped cloudy days, which was about 85% of all days, so in reality, they weren’t at school very often, which was very unfortunate according to Stella. Stella was madly in love with Bedford, considering he saved her toe from getting run over by a child on a scooter. She couldn’t believe he was so strong, and so fast. He was all the way across the sidewalk when the child was riding by. How Bedford saw him, and Stella didn’t, she did not know. It was so strange to her that a human being could be so fast and strong. It was almost as if he was a vampire or something. No, no that was crazy. Vampires do not live in this part of the country! Stella knew that thinking Bedford was a vampire was insane. She knew if she asked any of her new friends from Spokane High School about Bedford, they would think she was weird, and she just could not handle that. She found it weird that Bedford and his sibling’s skin sparkled like a million diamonds in the sunlight on the few days that they actually came to school. She also found it weird that they were all adopted by their “father”, Carl Sullen. They also had large cusped teeth. She had heard that they slept in coffins, but that was just a crazy rumor. Only dead people and vampires slept in those, plus how did they not bite people at school if they were vampires? I mean, yes, there had been 2 bodies found dead per day in the bathroom of their school with bite marks in their necks, but in the large scale of deaths in the world, that really was not much, so no one worried about it. It seemed they had died of natural causes anyway.